Kindly raise your hand if you are dead.

So.

Just read an article about a thought-to-be dead woman who moved just as she was about to be injected with embalming fluid.

Yeah.

They took her back to the hospital where, apparently, she is doing well and enjoying a pudding cup even as I write this. Didn't catch that one? Oh, well here it is, enjoy. Okay, so many questions, where do I start? My understanding is that the first line of the Hippocratic Oath is, "Don't send living people to the undertaker." That brings me to my first question: How hard is it for a doctor, in a hospital, to be able to tell if someone is actually dead? I hear that most intensive care units have machines for that sort of thing, though I'm not sure how widely they are used.

NURSE: EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR? MAYBE WE SHOULD ROLL IN THAT HEART/BRAIN MACHINE THING-Y WE KEEP IN THAT CORNER OVER BY THE CAFETERIA.

DOCTOR: NO NEED, NURSE. I STUCK A MIRROR UNDER HER NOSE, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT BITCH IS DEAD.

And here I thought my most horrifying medical nightmare was the one where you wake up from anesthesia in the middle of your surgery. Now I have to worry about waking up in the middle of being embalmed. Then there's the granddaddy of all medical nightmares, nude photos of Gary Coleman. These people are going to drive me to drink. Just kidding. I already drink.

Oh my bleeping god, say it isn't so.

So, I'm doing what I'm always doing on a Thursday afternoon -- surfing the web while pretending to work -- and I came across this little news snippet about abominable evil troll, Gary Coleman. Please watch it here, collect yourselves and then continue reading. Oh, I should let you know, you'll have to be patient for the first 32 seconds. The panda is an unrelated, though amusing, story. He says "nanner". Cute.

Okay, did you watch? First off, I would just like to say that I almost had a HEART ATTACK. I had no idea that there were any such rumors going around. I mean, I don't really follow news about Gary Coleman, much less look at him straight on. So you can imagine how jarring it was to hear him even make the suggestion that there might have ever be a time in life when he was completely nude, let alone that someone might actually have seen it. I know he was/is married to a woman/manatee that he's accused of abusing or some such crap, but let me just reiterate that AT NO TIME DID THIS PERSON EVER SEE GARY COLEMAN NUDE. I won't believe it. It just...you just couldn't see a thing like that and live.

And now, he's on television denying that nude pictures of himself exist. Okay, you know what's coming next don't you? Everytime a celebrity denies that nude pictures or videos of themselves exist, it's pretty much tantamount to a guarantee that we will be seeing such items on The Insider within the week. Hence, my heart attack. I simply will not survive if Lara Spencer pops up on T.V. and tells me and the world that The Insider has gotten their hands on footage from the Gary Coleman sex-tape scandal. I will freaking SNAP, people.

The video is dated nine days ago, so we might be in the clear, but I'm not taking any chances. I am going to shower now and then go into seclusion. If anyone hears anything else about this, PLEASE do not let me find out about it. I'm begging you.

Tips for Clean Living from doggerel. and Your Mom

People are always asking me how they can live a better life. Stop your smirking, smart-ass, they ask. So, I've given this a lot of thought and came to the conclusion that your mom was right about most things. Yes, it took me to the age of 41 to be able to even form the words in my mouth, but it's true. So here's my Top Ten List for Clean Living In No Particular Order Because I Don't Have That Kind of Time, endorsed by your mom.

1. Floss. Yes, it's a pain, and there's really no pretty way to shove both of your fists into your mouth. But if you don't do it, your face will freeze that way. Or, perhaps more importantly, your teeth will fall out. No joke. So, because you like this sort of thing, here's a little cartoon to help you get the hang of it, courtesy of the ADA.

2. Go to church, or establish some kind of spiritual center in your life. Dogma aside, people who actively practice a spiritual ideology are better able to deal with stress or personal crisis. Plus, most faiths express some version of the following belief: mean people suck. So stop being a spiritual vacuum, you heathen. People are starting to talk about you behind your back, and you're definitely getting on my nerves. If you must, you can read this little tidbit on the matter, from the people over at RealAge. Note: According to RealAge, I'm really only 32, so these people know what they're talking about.

3. Take a shower. And no, baths don't count. Everybody knows that stewing in a hot vat of you soup is gross. Baths are for relaxation. Showers are to get clean. You have been showering after your baths, haven't you? Oy.

4. Eat your friggin' veggies.  Do I really have to provide a source link in order for you to know that your diet of Italian beef sandwiches, cheese puffs and Diet Coke is disgusting? Oh, you want a link? I'll bet you do. Here, have a carrot.

5. And while you're at it, get a little exercise. You'll feel better. You'll get more done. You'll probably live a little longer. You'll have an excuse to buy all that nifty yoga and athletic gear at Athleta. So cute.

6. Write thank you notes. It's nice. It's the right thing to do. It doesn't matter that Aunt Vera buys you the worst crap every year for your birthday, write the bloody thank you note.  If you need some help, (pipe down, you need the help) pick up a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette by Emily Post. Oh, you already have it? Then where's my thank you note?

7. Stop sleeping around. All right, get your panties out of that bunch, Ms. Feminism. If you really feel it's within your right to have casual sex with a person when you're in between relationships, so be it. Really, your mom and I are talking about engaging in a string of meaningless sexual encounters in lieu of having real relationships, Samantha from Sex and the City-style. Oh, you're still up in arms? Then you're a slut and you're going to get the clap.

8. Don't lose yourself in taking care of your family. We women are amazing. But sometimes, we're a little crazy too. It's very easy to become so focused on your kids and your mate that you neglect Chica Numero Uno. If it's been over six months since you got your hair or nails done (you get a pass if you are pregnant and trying to avoid using certain chemicals while expecting), stop wearing it like a goddamned badge of honor. It's not honorable, it's idiotic. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: if you don't take care of yourself and you end up taking on that pallor of wretchedness some women seem to have, your family will forget you're human. You'll become little more than a beast of burden to them. Oh, they love you, but they'll forget you matter unless you matter to yourself. So, even if the budget won't allow salon trips right now, head on down to the drug store and pick up a root touch up kit and some Sally Hansen's. NOW.

9. Repeat after me, "Hell no." This is what you must say every time someone asks you to do something that you know is going to stress you out and throw your entire agenda out of whack. You don't have to say it exactly like that, I guess. I mean, you're a lady after all. But stop taking on all that extra crap. Now listen, this is not your license to become a selfish person, as you'll see in Item No. 10 to follow, but it does give you a license to stop being everyone's doormat and just tell ‘em, "Sorry, no can do."

10. Be more generous. God loves a cheerful giver. I think the Bible says that somewhere, though I might be paraphrasing. Anyway, you'll love being a giver as well. Your mom told you to get into the habit of saving 10% of your pay and giving 10%, didn't she? Well, even if she didn't, there are lots of people out there less fortunate than you are. Oh, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but cleaning your plate doesn't really help those starving kids in Ethiopia that your mom was always talking about. Write a check, and if you're really steely, hop a plane and go over there to help out for a while. It'll totally make you feel good and not a little superior to all your selfish-ass friends.

You've reached doggerel.

We're not in to entertain you with acerbic wit right now, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message...well, you'll just be leaving it. I don't return calls.

Tiger. Tiger. Tiger.

I'm sorry, but am I the only one who has noticed that Tiger Woods' twice impregnated, porn star mistress is grotesquely deformed? I'm not even  talking about her painfully-stretched-chest-skin-with-implant-edges-fully-defined, doesn't-exist-in-nature globular, plastic breasts. I mean the rest of her. The woman is freakishly misshapen. Can no one else see this?

Okay, I checked out this article on msn.com. And then I scrolled down and saw the picture of her. What is going on in the hip area? And then there's her face and her strangely pointy chin. The woman's head is a comma, people. There is nothing remotely attractive about this woman. I know. I know. Tiger is a depraved man who will, apparently, stick his thing in anything, but COME ON. The man is worth, like, eleventy-jillion dollars. Surely he could've gotten one of the attractive porn stars? Is there no end to the disappointment?

Tiger, this freakin' apology on Friday had better be good. And I'm expecting this chick to be mentioned by name.